Amazon’s Demands For New Headquarters

By Seth Lazear

• Prima Nocta for Jeff Bezos.

• The homeless population must be used as shoes for the marketing department.

• The city must have Berry Berry Kix cereal.

• City residents must speak with a Dickensian accent.

• The local sports franchise must forgo the National Anthem and replace it with a curated playlist from Amazon Music.

• City must demolish local music venues for luxury dog parks.

• Mandatory Crossfit Wednesdays from 5:00 AM - 8:00 AM.

• Bike lane roadkill removal.

• 50% of the city residents not to watch.

• Westworld so not to spoil it for the other 50%.

• An exclusion from on-site injury work-mans compensation laws.

• Closure of all gay bars, but the city to provide gay friendly atmosphere.

• Children strictly forbidden.

• Ignore what’s going on in building 4.

• Issue identity cards and a gold star armband for citizens making less than $50,000 yearly.

• Subsidies for billboards threatening local Mom & Pop shops.

• An income tax and property tax waiver in effect until 2024 or Armageddon, whichever comes first.

Al Qaeda Installs New Monkey Bars at Their Headquarters

BIN LADEN MEMORIAL TRAINING CENTER (@TheComedyNews) - After nearly 20 years of use in training the world's most vile would-be terrorists, the old monkey bars course at the Al Qaeda training center are finally being replaced.

"For years, guys in the field have been complaining that our monkey bars were just not rigorous enough for training the best of the best of 21st century terrorists," an Al Qaeda publicist said.  "So we secured a grant from a few wealthy donors to replace our monkey bars."

Local Newscaster Seems Oddly Disappointed To Report No Fatalities

LOS ANGELES, CA (@TheComedyNews) - The anchor of NBC4 Newswatch, Jerry Kraus, seemed oddly disappointed last night when reporting no fatalities in a seven-car crash on the 405 Freeway.  

"Unfortunately, we have no fatalities to report," Kraus reported from the scene, as a family of four were being pried from their mangled, still burning Dodge Caravan.  "...which is quite surprising, since with a wreck involving so many people, the law of averages would dictate at least one dead person here.”

"Things Nobody Ever Said in Jumbo Slice"

Jumbo Slice---a late-night rite of passage for any young rambunctious professional in our Nation's Capitol out having a good time.  

The slices sometimes exceed 20 inches from crust to tip, are covered with grease, and are a delicious end to many evenings in neighborhoods such as Adams Morgan and U Street.  

Expensive?  No.  Healthy?  Afraid not.  Fun?  Definitely.  We don't go to Jumbo Slice for fine dining.  We stumble in because it hits the spot.  We enjoy it because a little cheating on the diet never hurts...right?

So, please enjoy this list of of the Top Twenty Things You Never Hear at Jumbo Slice:  

20)  "Pass the napkins, I should wipe-up this grease before I take my time eating it."

19)  "Great brunch, girls!"

18)  "Cheer up!  You'll meet your future wife here."

17)  "I need to watch my language in this place."

16)  "Oh cool they just renovated."

15)  "I went to a place just like Jumbo Slice in Italy."

14)  "I'm not here for pizza, just wondering if I could use your bathroom."

13)  "One venti pumpkin-spiced latte, please."

12)  "This sure beats all that crappy pizza we get in Manhattan."

11)  "Hey look, Michelle Obama once ate here!"

10)  "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

9)  "Gee, tonight was a success!"

8)  "That's it?"

7)  "Now, let's grab dessert at Ben's Chili Bowl."

6)  "I know it's only January 5th, but this is the ONLY time I go to Jumbo Slice in 2014."

5)  "Let's bring the kids here next time."  

4)  "Will you marry me?"

3)  "Pardon me, but I think you were ahead of me in line."  

2)  "You can cut the line, I am certain my booty call will text me at exactly 10:00 PM sharp."

1)  "Certified kosher?!  Yella!"

Billions of Wild Animals Thrilled about National Park Shutdown

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY - (@TheComedyNews) - While many people thorughout the United States are furious about being furloughed from their Federal Government jobs, there are billions of animals who are taking their share of joy.  

Due to the Federal Government shutdown, all National Parks are closed to tourists, leaving billions of diverse wild animals free of gawking tourists invading their habitats.  

Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

 

On Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones--- the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores---with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks. 

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend. 

(Op/Ed) OJ Simpson: "I May Be Civilly Liable for Two Murders, but I NEVER Took Steroids"

LOVELOCK CORRECTION CENTER - NEVADA -  (@The Comedy News)  - As a former National Football League star and actor, I am thoroughly disgusted at the rampant steroid abuse amongst today's professional athletes.  

First, to clear the air:  Yes, I may be civilly liable for two grisly murders.  But that was almost two decades ago.  In all of my 60-plus years on this Earth, I never took steroids.

I won a Heisman Trophy.  I am in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  I co-starred in The Naked Gun movies---even did my own stunts.  I am a loving father twice over.  

This all required some hard physical work.  But never so hard that I would let down all of my fans, coaches, and family (in that order) by polluting my body with unnatural performance-enhancing steroids.  That is just despicable.  

Alex Rodriguez.  Lance Armstrong.  Barry Bonds.   By taking steroids, they disrespected the sports that have brought them so much over the years.  Millions of people invest parts of their lives in seeing them succeed.  And to know that these athletes received such acclaim using illicit steroids, in a way,  THEY are taking lives of millions.

Sure, I may have been responsible for the deaths of two human beings.  But not criminally, only civilly.  Let's be sure we are clear on the adverbs we have agreed on.  

Further, murder is mentioned in the Bible.  Sometimes as a sin, I know this for sure.   But many times, as a sacrament to The Lord.  Still, nowhere in the Bible is there any mention that athletic gladiators should be allowed to poison the purity of their bodies and with steroids. 

Lastly, before I get too preachy, please give that South African olympic sprinter with no legs that killed his girlfriend a break, he made an honest mistake.  If he killed her, it was probably because he loved her.   At least he didn't use steroids.  

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

Somehow, Prince William Gives Birth to Royal Baby

Prince William enduring the agony of a natural childbirth.

LONDON, UK - (FACEBOOK:  @The Comedy News) - In a surprising turn of events, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge gave birth to the much anticipated Royal Baby today.

This comes as a shocking surprise since the entire world was expecting William's wife, Kate Middleton to be the pregnant one since December 2012. 

While the physiological details of a human male giving birth have yet to be released by Buckingham Palace, Prince William tweeted an update to his followers:  

 

"Shyte this is bloody painful!  #bollocks, #overrated"  

Still, the novelty of becoming the first British Prince to give birth certainly explains the modest amount of media coverage for the past nine months. 

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

Girl Singing Really Well at Religious Services Just Showing Off

 AUSTIN, TX - (FACEBOOK:  @The Comedy News) - At around 7:45 PM this past Friday night, congregants sitting in the center pews of Congregation Beth Ra'ash noticed a distracting noise during the opening prayers:  the awkwardly loud and polished singing voice of Jill Pearson trumping the mood.

"I knew it was Jill Pearson," congregant Jonathan Weinfeurter griped.  "Every time I go to services, no matter where I am in the sanctuary, I can hear her staccato voice polluting the air."

Other congregants note that Jill often chides the service leaders' performance behind their backs following services.  And in addition to looking around mid-song to see if anyone is marveling at her over-produced audible chanting from the pews, Jill also tweets her vocal pride: 

"@DayenuDiva613:  Adam Levine may got moves like Jagger, but I got a voice like God." 

No congregant could confirm what Jill's musical training has been---likely due to no decent soul being capable of tolerating her blatant narcissism. 

However, a quick Google-search has shown that Jill has been a classically-trained singer since age 4, has auditioned for season 2 of The Voice, studied at the Julliard School in New York, and even sung the Star Spangled Banner at a Dallas Cowboys football game.

Still, after all of those accolades, Jill still can't resist the urge to show off her self-proclaimed "voice that flows like wine", even during modest opportunities such as Shabbat. 

It was also reported that the only time during the entire service that Jill's melodic caterwauling was not heard was during the reciting of the Shemah.  It was later revealed that at that time, Jill was Instagramming a selfie with her free hand over her eyes, winking. 

Wedding Guests Can't Agree on What Estimated Cost of Wedding Is

SANIBEL ISLAND, FLORIDA – (FACEBOOK The Comedy News)  Wedding guests at the nuptial ceremony of Joseph and Penny Goldmann were deadlocked last Saturday on estimating how much the entire production cost. 

In a setting featuring rare flowers flown in from Guam, a 10-piece band featuring a Frank Sinatra impersonator, an open bar, and even souvenir folding chairs for each of the 300 friends and family in attendance, everyone seemed to be celebrating the occasion.  And as the frills kept coming throughout the night, guests could not help but estimate quietly amongst each other just how much their good friends had spent on celebrating the occasion.

“Look at this New York strip steak,” said Dylan Siebelson, a former roommate of the groom, as he fisted a shitake mushroom into his already-chewing mouth.  “This has got to be $80 a plate!  I say $105,000, tops!”

A pair of distant cousins of the bride offered their input.  

“We always thought Penny was stingy, no offense, but she always has been,” Sara the cousin offered.  “Dinner was okay, and they only offered two choices for vegetarians.  I say $10,000, maybe $15 but that’s pushing it.”

The close family and friends began to dance to “Havah Nagila”, while the debate moved over to the whiskey-tasting bar, where the debating guests befriended Joe’s boss from work, Edward McCarty.

“Believe me, I’ve been to a lot of these weddings.  Tonight, there’s plenty of food, plenty of liquor, no herky-jerky DJ playing soft rock and hip hop--- a real band.  This wedding costs $78,000,” McCarty estimated. 

As the gaggle of debating guests continued to deduce a total cost by scrutinizing each and every detail of the wedding, the bride’s brother, George---visibly inebriated---approached the group. 

“Hey, hey, hey my love buds!”  George blurted, hugging the debating guests.  “Guess who just got to base number deuce with one of the wedding planner’s assistants just now!” 

The debate came to a halt.  McCarty then wrapped his arm around George’s shoulder.

“George my man,”  I will buy you a whiskey drink of your choice if you can ask that wedding planner’s assistant what the whole cost of the wedding is.”

Still trashed, George turned around and sauntered to the wedding planner.  Upon returning, George reported back to the cost-estimators, “the cake should be out in about 10 minutes.”

At that point, the four debating guests looked at each other, grabbed their souvenir chairs, and got on the shuttle bus back to the Hotel where the four of them proceeded to have a 30-minute makeout session.   

The cost of the wedding remains a mystery to this day. 

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

9-Year-Old Gets Downgraded for Spelling June, "JEWNE"

Furious Third-Grader Challenges His Lowered Test Score

ARCHIVE STORY (1993)

MILWAUKEE, WI - (@The Comedy News) - Nine-year-old Brian F. (name redacted due to age restrictions) received quite a surprise when he got his graded U.S. History test back in Mrs. Teller's third grade class.

"I was the only one in the class to get 100% of the questions right, but I spelled June wrong, so I got a 90%," explained Brian.  "I spelled June with a 'W'.  It should have a W anyways."

If Shabbat Services Were A Guns N' Roses Concert...

Shabbat Services tend to have the same order of business:  the same opening prayers, sometimes a different melody here and there.  And the night always closes out with the same hits:  Aleinu and Adon Olam.  

And much like Shabbat Services, it seems as if arena rockers Guns N' Roses have been around forever, clinging to time-tested routines and hits that have galvanized the masses for years.  

After much deliberation, this is the official guide to Shabbat Services with the corresponding Guns N' Roses setlist:

Shabbat Services	Guns N' Roses
Barchu	"Welcome to the Jungle"
Sh'ma	"You Could Be Mine"
Vahavta	"Night Train"
Michamocha	"Civil War"
Avot; G'vurot	Slash Guitar Solo
Silent Prayer	Interlude; Thanking [insert city] for being the best crowd ever.
Torah Blessing	"Sweet Child O'Mine"
Sermon / Announcements	Shameless promotion of new album nobody cares about.
Mourner's Kaddish	"Knockin' on Heaven's Door"
	(First Encore)
Aleinu	"November Rain"
	(Second Encore)
Adon Olam	"Paradise City"

So the next time you are at a Guns N' Roses concert, shout "Yasher koach" in the direction of Axl Rose.  But only if that flaky drunk deserves it. 

Oh and by the way, Slash the guitarist ---whose birth name is Saul Hudson---is Jewish.

Axl Rose leading Shabbat services

Jewish Baseball Slugger Ryan Braun Used Steroids in Preparation for Bar-Mitzvah

Outfielder Admits to "Jewcing" in 1996

MILWAUKEE, WI - (FACEBOOK: @TheComedyNews)  Jewish baseball player Ryan Braun has confessed to using illegal steroids in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah in 1996.  This comes on the heels of a story breaking that the All-Star outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers also used performance-enhancing drugs on the baseball field.  

“Although I vehemently deny using performance-enhancing drugs during my baseball career, I do regretfully admit that I used steroids when preparing for my Bar Mitzvah,”  Braun confessed at a press conference. 

When asked why he engaged in such reprehensible activity at the innocent age of 13, Braun explained that the pressure to be awake and alert at 10:00 AM on a Saturday to read Hebrew from the Torah really got him anxious. 

Braun continued, “Also, I needed some way to keep composure when I had all of these people I never met before, all congratulating me profusely for some reason, giving me an insincere ‘mazel tov’, and then handing me a Hallmark card full of cash.  Hard times, I’m tellin’ ya.”

The press conference concluded with Braun also admitting that he engaged in underage alcohol consumption at the ceremony as part of the after-service Kiddush. 

Although investigators have not released the official list of illicit substances that Braun utilized in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah, many around the Mission Hills, California Jewish community have dismissed the allegations.  Sources close to Braun allege that the then-13-year-old Braun likely didn’t use anything more serious than a little bit of Adderall, Mountain Dew extract, and the now-defunct soda, Surge. 

According to Rabbinal scholars, Braun’s illegal steroid use in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah has resulted in his adulthood being nullified.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  He is also a Jewish Brewers fan from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.    You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Shavuot Gathering Marred by Outbreak of Lactose Intolerance

BERKELEY, CA - (Facebook: The Comedy News) - A Shavuot celebration hosted by Julia Yalda,  turned sour as it was slowly revealed throughout the evening that every one of the ten guests were lactose intolerant.

Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah to the Jews, and it always falls 50 days after the end of Passover.  Part of the celebration includes the mass consumption of dairy products, as well as decorating ones home or synagogue with spices and flowers. 

Signs You’re Turning into Your Jewish Father

You consider 'Fiddler on the Roof', 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat',  'The Producers', 'Damn Yankees' and 'Rent' to be Jewish cultural history. 

 

You kiss as much ass with your significant others' parents as much as you do with your boss.

You spend 25 minutes looking around the house for your reading glasses not realizing that they’re on your face.

You recite jokes that are five paragraph essays.  

Your cell phone interrupts the silence before Ha-motzi---and the ringtone is the theme to "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Most of your stories begin with, “Did I ever tell you about the time…” and before your audience can answer, you tell them for the third or fourth time.

You have no idea what an embarrassing story is.  

You wear a hideous adjustable baseball hat with your friends' company logo on it.

You fall asleep at Major League Baseball games, but only for a few minutes.

At non-Jewish weddings, you complain that there’s too much liquor and not enough food, and that there is no one there to callously estimate how much the whole wedding cost.  

You tip-toe out of bed to secretly go on YouTube and laugh hysterically at old clips of 'The Three Stooges', 'Blazing Saddles', and snippets from the 'Howard Stern Radio Show' from the early 1980s.

You cease to mix self-consciousness with your propensity to sing Rat Pack tunes. 

You say, “I don’t need to buy any new clothes, mine still fit and are in style”, despite the fact that you bought them 15 years ago, they have holes, and a plume of dust emits every time someone pats your shoulder.

No matter how perfect the meal is, you always find a reason to complain to the waiter at the restaurant.  

When watching football or professional wrestling, after a big hit, you say "oh, I felt that!"

You have developed a super power called "the ability to completely tune out nagging".   

When you forget to bring a plastic bag when you're walking the dog, you shamelessly just use your hands to clean up after the pooch.

You buy a paper copy of the New York Times every day to “keep the gray old lady in business”, even though you own an iPod, iPad, and MacBook.

You fall asleep at Barnes and Nobles while reading Chiam Potok and Mitch Albom books---except the Barnes and Nobles store has been a NikeTown for a year and you're just passed-out in the middle of a shoe store. 

When a salesman tells you the price of a car, the least likely thing you will say is "sounds great, I'll take it right now!"

You have no inner monologue when it comes to discussing your health issues.

You have been told more than once this week to trim your nose hair.  

When your children tell you about a new friend they made, you immediately ask them, "What does their Daddy do?"

You have children and love them as much as you complain about them when you’re taking a schvitz.