WASHINGTON, DC - (
@The Comedy News) - Today marks a monumental change in American Government. The Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which was proposed by Senator Linda McMahon (R-CT), passed through the U.S. Senate and was approved by 3/4ths of the state legislatures. This latest alteration to the charter of freedom comes only two weeks after being introduced under a barrage of scrutiny by every xenophobe American from sea to shining sea.
The text of the Amendment reads:
All persons naturalized in a foreign nation are eligible for the office of the President and Vice President of the United States of America provided that said person renounces citizenship to foreign nations and is a citizen of the United States of America. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
The Twenty-Eighth Amendment has enabled politicians such as musician Wyclef Jean and actor/government hack Arnold Schwarzenegger to make bids for the Presidency in 2012. It is expected that Wyclef Jean will receive the Democratic nomination any day now with Late Night Talk Show host Conan O’Brien as the front runner for his running mate. The Governator bought the Republican nomination many months ago, and has already hinted that Senator Linda McMahon will be his partner in anticipated crime.
The two Presidential candidates will be the first individuals to appear on a Presidential ballot in America who are not natural-born citizens. Jean was born in 1969 in Croiz-des-Bouquets Haiti, while Schwartzenegger was born in 1947 in Thal, Austria. Their running mates, O'Brien and McMahon, join former Presidents Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama as nominees with much glisten and glamor, yet not a hint of political prowess or leadership experience.
In contrast to the 2008 election when there was approximately 61% voter-turnout, the Presidential election is expected to draw nearly 94% of eligible voters to the polls. The most energized of the of the first time voter demographics include die-hard professional wrestling fans and easy-going party animals.
In a related news story, former Vice President Richard Cheney suffered a fatal heart attack ten minutes after the Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the Constitution was ratified. His last words were, "Awww! F#%K THIS S%#T."
-By High Neesniffer
WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Today marks a monumental change in American Government. The Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which was proposed by Senator Linda McMahon (R-CT), passed through the U.S. Senate and was approved by 3/4ths of the state legislatures. This latest alteration to the charter of freedom comes only two weeks after being introduced under a barrage of scrutiny by every xenophobe American from sea to shining sea.
SEATTLE, WA - (The Comedy News) - After fearing ridicule from drunks for over 25 years, Adam Levanthal has finally come out of the closet out and declared that he hates alcohol consumption and could not be more proud of his sobriety.
STATE COLLEGE, PA - (@The Comedy News) - On the eve of his 45th season as head coach of the Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions football team, Coach Joe Paterno is keeping his focus on the gridiron. Much to the dismay of national media outlets, Joe Paterno has refused to comment about his role in Academy Award-nominated film Up.