Hard Rock Music Is The Cause Of Violent Helmet-to-Helmet HitsBALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that the reason there have been many more violent helmet-to-helmet hits recently in the National Football League is because of the increasing amounts of hard rock music at stadiums.
"There is no question that hard rock and thrash metal music makes people really really energetic, pumped up, and fiercely aggressive. Since the wave of new football stadiums equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems have embraced heavy rock music, the number of violent and potentially life-threatening tackles has increased," an NFL official explained. "Once hard rock music stops blaring throughout NFL stadiums, the players will calm down and play the game safely."
The NFL is instructing all thirty-two NFL stadiums to hold "CD burnings" in their parking lots.
In Philadelphia, a 19-foot pile of CDs has already accumulated in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot and 25,000 tickets have been sold for Saturday night's burning session. Many of the common tracks that will no longer be heard at the stadiums include Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train", Kid Rock's "Bawitaba", AC/DC's "Hells Bells", Metallica's "Fuel", P.O.D.'s "Here Comes The Boom", and Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness".
"At the first Super Bowl, the Packers won to the sounds of the University of Michigan's marching band. That was it," noted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "All they needed for a little musical entertainment back then was a marching band. Then the 1990's unleashed a fury of angry smutty hard rock music. Then the dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackles started to multiply. So from now on, the hardest music that will be allowed in football stadiums will be Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Dun! Dun, dun dun!"
"There is no question that hard rock and thrash metal music makes people really really energetic, pumped up, and fiercely aggressive. Since the wave of new football stadiums equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems have embraced heavy rock music, the number of violent and potentially life-threatening tackles has increased," an NFL official explained. "Once hard rock music stops blaring throughout NFL stadiums, the players will calm down and play the game safely."
The NFL is instructing all thirty-two NFL stadiums to hold "CD burnings" in their parking lots.
In Philadelphia, a 19-foot pile of CDs has already accumulated in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot and 25,000 tickets have been sold for Saturday night's burning session. Many of the common tracks that will no longer be heard at the stadiums include Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train", Kid Rock's "Bawitaba", AC/DC's "Hells Bells", Metallica's "Fuel", P.O.D.'s "Here Comes The Boom", and Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness".
"At the first Super Bowl, the Packers won to the sounds of the University of Michigan's marching band. That was it," noted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "All they needed for a little musical entertainment back then was a marching band. Then the 1990's unleashed a fury of angry smutty hard rock music. Then the dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackles started to multiply. So from now on, the hardest music that will be allowed in football stadiums will be Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Dun! Dun, dun dun!"
