BERKELEY, CA - (Facebook: The Comedy News) - A Shavuot celebration hosted by Julia Yalda, turned sour as it was slowly revealed throughout the evening that every one of the ten guests were lactose intolerant.
Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah to the Jews, and it always falls 50 days after the end of Passover. Part of the celebration includes the mass consumption of dairy products, as well as decorating ones home or synagogue with spices and flowers.
"Before we sit down and talk Torah, I want everyone to take a bite out of this cherry amaretto cheese cake I made!" Julia, a third-year undergraduate at the University of California-Berkeley, commanded to her guests. The cheesecake's initial reviews were positive, with some guests going back for seconds.
But discomfort began to proliferate throughout the party shortly after Julia mixed up chocolate-custard malted milkshakes in her MagicBullet blender. Although tasty and sweet, the milkshakes were a recipe for disaster for Julia's nine highly lactose-intolerant guests.
"The torah portion I read at my Bat Mitzv-. Oh dammit. Hey I'll be right back, guys, gonna get some fresh air," winced Lauren Sweiren as she trotted to Julia's balcony.
Julia's ex-boyfriend Claude, making his first return to Julia's apartment since he dumped her following a night of mediocre noodle Kugel (read story here), abruptly stood up from the dinner table and headed for Julia's bathroom.
Claude ruffled through the medicine cabinet in Julia's bathroom. Julia scampered right after in and slammed the door.
"I knew you wanted more of THIS," Julia said, pulling her hair out of her hairnet and removing her Delta Gamma sequined apron. Claude brushed her away.
"I left a box of Lactaid tablets in here," he screamed. "You didn't throw them out did you?"
"Of course not!" Julia retorted. "They're burning in the oven right now as an offering to God on Shavuot!"
"Oh God, no!" Exclaimed Claude.
"Exactly!" Julia smiled, eyebrows lowering. "Now are we gonna play horizontal hamotzi, or are ya gonna come back and Shavu the oat with the rest of my guests?"
As Claude and Julia made their way back to the dining room table to join the other guests, Yoni Rosenblatt ran past them clutching his abdomen. The table was now empty, the rest of the guests were on Julia's balcony, writhing in discomfort.
"Okay, I get it, you are all lactose intolerant," Julia conceded. "It's okay if you don't want to eat my dairy dinner. Shavuot is also about spices and aromas, so here, I'll light this flowery incense candle. Does anyone have a lighter or a match?"
"No!!!!" Shouted each of the bloated, cramping guests and they pushed and shoved their way out of Julia's apartment.
"No!!!!" Shouted each of the bloated, cramping guests and they pushed and shoved their way out of Julia's apartment.
The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief. You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.
