Outfielder Admits to "Jewcing" in 1996 MILWAUKEE, WI - (FACEBOOK: @TheComedyNews) Jewish baseball player Ryan Braun has confessed to using illegal steroids in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah in 1996. This comes on the heels of a story breaking that the All-Star outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers also used performance-enhancing drugs on the baseball field.
“Although I vehemently deny using
performance-enhancing drugs during my baseball career, I do regretfully admit
that I used steroids when preparing for my Bar Mitzvah,” Braun confessed at a press conference.
When asked why he engaged in such reprehensible
activity at the innocent age of 13, Braun explained that the pressure to be awake
and alert at 10:00 AM on a Saturday to read Hebrew from the Torah really got
him anxious.
Braun continued, “Also, I needed
some way to keep composure when I had all of these people I never met before, all
congratulating me profusely for some reason, giving me an insincere ‘mazel tov’,
and then handing me a Hallmark card full of cash. Hard times, I’m tellin’ ya.”
The press conference concluded with
Braun also admitting that he engaged in underage alcohol consumption at the
ceremony as part of the after-service Kiddush.
Although investigators have not
released the official list of illicit substances that Braun utilized in preparation
for his Bar Mitzvah, many around the Mission Hills, California Jewish community
have dismissed the allegations. Sources
close to Braun allege that the then-13-year-old Braun likely didn’t use
anything more serious than a little bit of Adderall, Mountain Dew extract, and
the now-defunct soda, Surge.
According to Rabbinal scholars, Braun’s
illegal steroid use in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah has resulted in his
adulthood being nullified.
Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian. He is also a Jewish Brewers fan from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.
