Al Qaeda Installs New Monkey Bars at Their Headquarters

BIN LADEN MEMORIAL TRAINING CENTER (@TheComedyNews) - After nearly 20 years of use in training the world's most vile would-be terrorists, the old monkey bars course at the Al Qaeda training center are finally being replaced.

"For years, guys in the field have been complaining that our monkey bars were just not rigorous enough for training the best of the best of 21st century terrorists," an Al Qaeda publicist said.  "So we secured a grant from a few wealthy donors to replace our monkey bars."

Local Newscaster Seems Oddly Disappointed To Report No Fatalities

LOS ANGELES, CA (@TheComedyNews) - The anchor of NBC4 Newswatch, Jerry Kraus, seemed oddly disappointed last night when reporting no fatalities in a seven-car crash on the 405 Freeway.  

"Unfortunately, we have no fatalities to report," Kraus reported from the scene, as a family of four were being pried from their mangled, still burning Dodge Caravan.  "...which is quite surprising, since with a wreck involving so many people, the law of averages would dictate at least one dead person here.”